Howdy folks! I’m going to the NXT show at Portage this Saturday night with the wife and kid. Now, the kid knows Bayley and a few others, but the wife doesn’t know who any of these guys are. So I’m going to write up a quick summary of each character.
Aiden English and Simon Gotch – The VaudeVillains – English was a show tune singing bad guy until he teamed up with Gotch, a Strongman from the 1900s. Together they became a lovable team of time-displaced weirdos. They were the champs as good guys, but have been tempted by the dark side since losing the titles.
Apollo Crews – Body builder looking dude who is actually a flippy dude. Smiles a lot, and sometimes talks like inspirational Facebook memes. He wrecks dudes, easily.
Baron Corbin – Tattooed biker who may also be a werewolf. He looks like Fulton Reed from the Mighty ducks after 5 years in prison. I fixed the grammar on his Twitter profile once.
Blake and Murphy – Real life cowboy and generic Australian who teamed up and fell in love with dubstep. They are controlled by an adorable yet evil cheerleader/fairy named Alexa Bliss.
Bull Dempsey – His gimmick is that he is a fat weight loss guru, I guess?
Chad Gable and Jason Jordan – They are amateur wrestling dudes. Gable is an Olympian who does crazy technical wrestling and is a huge dork. Jordan throws people over his head and seems like that awkward guy at a party. They are kinda the best.
Enzo and Big Cass – Enzo is a weird little dude who says ridiculous things and has basically no offence. Cass is a 7 foot tall version of Kevin from “Shameless”.
Dash and Dawson – They are the current tag team champs. They look like mean friends of everybody’s dads.
Elias Samson – Has a guitar.
Finn Balor – Current Champ. Handsome, Lego-loving, Irish dude with too many abs. Likes stomping on people. Occasionally he has to turn into a demon to win matches.
Mojo Rawley –Former football player / current overly enthusiastic party-boy. Lots of yelling of “HYPE!”
Sami Zayn – Ginger Arab from French Canada who used to wrestle as a masked Mexican. He is unique among WWE superstars as he has a moral compass and believes in hard work.
Samoa Joe- Wears shorts, kicks people, then chokes them.
Tye Dillenger – His gimmick is the number 10.
Asuka – Japanese lady with awesome hair. She hits people very hard, sometimes with her butt. I’m a little afraid of her.
Bayley – Women’s champ. Loves wrestling with the passion and enthusiasm of a child. Bad things should never happen to her.
Billy Kay and Peyton Royce – From Australia. Each has legs.
Carmella – A Staten Island hairdresser who got fired because of the antics of Enzo and Cass.
Dana Brooke – Gymnastic blonde lady with an awful Great Lakes accent. She’s delusional and condescending and basically an evil mashup of some of my cousins. She’s buddies with Emma.
Emma- She went from an evil, yet beloved, character who danced badly and was afraid of bubbles to a straight up evil character who wears tiny gloves.
Nia Jax – The Rock’s cousin. Dresses like a Power Ranger.