Ladies and Gentlefolk, I present to you:
THE CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS
The Christmas Christmas
Hannah Corningware (25) is a PA for this universe’s Martha Stewart. She is overworked and underpaid.
Opening: Montage of Hannah making cutout cookies set to a Christmas music.
Later: She offers some to her co-worker, and we see that all the cookies are shaped liked dinosaurs. He wonders aloud why they aren’t Christmas-y. She could’ve at least put Santa hats on the T-rexes. Hannah dismisses this notion, as dinosaurs predated Christmas by 65 million years.
Hannah explains to her coworker, who is named Steven Yuen just like the actor, that she hates Christmastime. She is accused of being a grump, but he compliments Hannah as her cookies are even better than her boss’s. Hannah is her being treated like shit at work. Fake Martha Stewart is injured in a manner that is somehow pinned on Hannah. Production closes down. Also, it’s Christmastime.
Next: Hannah comes home early to squeaking noises. She finds her boyfriend, Justin, cheating on her. Since this is a Christmas movie, they are just making out fully clothed on the camo-cliner. Hannah accuses them of making out on her camo-cliner. Boyfriend offers to explain, but such offers are rejected. Boyfriend says that his name is on the lease so he’s not leaving apartment. Also, it’s Christmas time.
Next: Hannah goes to her friend’s Alexa’s house. Alexa is sassy and has a minor disability that doesn’t keep her from also being attractive. Let’s say she has one leg. Sure, why not? The pair drinks wine. Alexa complains that a robot stole her name. Also, it’s Christmas time.
Cut to: Hannah: passed out and red-lipped from wine. A dog is licking her face and the phone is ringing. The producers at her job tell her to get there immediately, and to wear something nice. It is still Christmas time.
Hannah is worried that she is being fired, but Alexa says that they wouldn’t have asked her to dress nicely if they were going to fire her.
Next: “Nice clothes” montage with her Alexa’s wardrobe. One skirt is too tight, and Alexa explains that it is not really a two-leg skirt. One of the outfits is a Santa suit, because, as you may remember: it is Christmas time.
Next: Hannah gets to work and is told by the producers that fake Martha Stewart has a concussion and their insurance won’t allow her to use any of the equipment. Hannah is the only other person who knows what to do, and their week of live Christmas shows is their highest rated week of the year! Also, she is secretly a better baker than fake Martha Stewart.
Next: Clips of Hannah on the TV show. She does pretty well, but accidently lights celebrity cameo star Chris Jericho on fire during a segment about crystalized ginger.
Next: Steven Yuen tells Hannah that he is proud of her despite lighting celebrity cameo Chris Jericho on fire. Steven Yuen, the character and not the former star of the Walking Dead, is about to ask Hannah out when Justin shows up out of nowhere. He has flowers and wants Hannah to come home. Hannah says she’ll have to think about it. Also, it’s Christmastime.
Next: Hannah walks home in the snow. It’s snowing because it’s Christmastime. Her phone rings. It’s her dad calling to remind her that it is Christmastime. She has to come to the family party this weekend. He can’t wait to see Justin so they can talk about football and boy things. He explains that he just talked to Justin and that he is going to the party and bringing the Turkey. Hannah lies that they are still together and her dad reminds the audience that Hannah doesn’t like Christmas.
Next: Hannah and Justin are arguing about their pretend relationship arrangement outside the door to her father’s house. A pull back reveals that the house is maggoty with Christmas decorations. Not the tasteful ones either, full-on inflatables, Santa wearing sunglasses driving a Cadillac style nonsense.
We meet all of Hannah’s wacky family. Boy are they wacky. After various and sundry wackiness, we find out that Hannah doesn’t like Christmastime because her mom died on Christmas eve when Hannah was 18. It made Hannah hate Christmas and her dad go overboard celebrating it. Hannah drinks too much nog, gets emotional, and makes out with Justin. Then she runs away, confusing him.
Next: Hannah gets to work and the producers tell her that yesterday was the most popular show they’ve had since Netflix became a thing. Hannah is cautiously proud but then the producers tell her she should do a few more “clumsy” things. It makes her more likable, like Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding. Steven Yuen says that Julia Roberts is a scheming Machiavellian villain in that movie, and the producers retort that she is still more likable than fake Martha Stewart.
Next: Hannah is running the cooking show, with hyper confidence, refusing the producer’s urgings to be clumsy. The producer takes a few ornaments off the nearby Christmas tree, and rolls them towards Hannah, forcing her to slip on them like marbles. Hannah does a back flip to massive cheers from the crowd, and even catches the Christmas cookies that were thrown into the air on her slip.
She brags to the producer about her state medal in 6th grade gymnastics, but we know she was using the preternatural magic of Christmas.
Steven Yuen asks Hannah out, but afterword overhears about she made out with her Ex, and he says something passive aggressive and snotty to her.
Next: Hannah is drinking with Alexa again, who complains about not getting enough screen time. Her sassiness has become self-aware. They drink and sing songs about dying alone.
Next: Hannah and Alex are watching Christmas romcoms on the tv and taking notes, when the buzzer rings. Steven Yuen, the character and not the former member of Second City, wants to talk. She buzzes him up, but Justin manages to sneak in too. They race up the four flights of stairs to Alexa’s apartment, and are both sweaty and disheveled when they get there.
Steven Yuen and Justin have a boyfriend duel. Justin tries to convince Hannah to take him back, but Alexa is facebook friends with Justin’s side piece who is still posting pictures of them together as recently as three hours ago. Hannah kicks him out and yells that she wants her Camo-cliner back. Steven Yuen thinks he’s won, but Hannah explains that they haven’t even been on A date yet, so it’s not like they are going to get married or something. Steven Yuen leaves sadly.
Hannah yells at Alexa for being facebook friends with the side piece. Alexa says that they went to super summer sports camp together and that is a sacred bond.
Next: Hannah gets to work and finds that fake Martha Stewart has passed her concussion protocol. Hannah is barred from ever appearing on camera again.
Hannah is sad during the live show, the last episode of the Christmas special week. Until she notices that one of the slippy ornaments is still on the floor. Fake Martha Stewart is about to slip on it! Hannah runs to catch the falling fake Martha Stewart. She is so grateful that she let’s Hannah cook the final dish with her. After the show, she offers Hannah a weekly segment.
Then Steven Yuen asks if they can finally get that coffee. They are standing under mistletoe, and Hannah gives him a kiss that catches him off guard. She says that they are going to get dinner tonight. He stands dumbfounded.
Next, we see Steven Yuen and Hannah walking hand in hand in the snow carrying the doggy bags from their diner. They notice a lot of cars outside Alexa’s house. Apparently, Alexa throws a big Christmas party every year, but doesn’t tell Hannah about it because she doesn’t like Christmas.
Hannah says, she’s starting to not mind Christmas at all.
Everybody makes out for some reason. I guess Alexa has a Latina girlfriend too. I dunno, I never saw her before. Somebody yells “God Bless us, everyone,” and is subsequently pelted with red solo cups.
Also, it’s Christmastime.