Since this is for Chris and his WhoScoops podcast, this whole bonus slash bank episode springs from Paul Mattingly. I initially thought about this project in December after hearing Paul Mattingly talk about the 275 Christmas movies Anne McFeaters watches over the long Yule season, in particular the movie Christmas Wedding Planner, which he described as a standard cheap romcom to which the words, “And Also; it’s Christmas were added.”
That movie was directed by a guy named Justin Dyck, no for real, and he directs a lot of those factory assembly line low budget Christmas movies. Never trust a man named Justin. The movie is full of CW bit players and its biggest star is the sixth billed Joey Fatone, who is arguably everybody’s sixth favorite member of NSYNC.
Based on the 120 Christmas movies I have watched since the dawn of Netflix, and Mr. Paul Mattingly's complaints about the 275 Christmas movies his wife has watched, my robot brain has compiled all the data to create the ultimate Netflix Christmas movie.
Ladies and Gentlefolk, I present to you:
THE CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS: A Treatment
The Christmas Christmas
Hannah Corningware (25) is a PA for the ersatz Martha Stewart of this cinematic universe. She is overworked and underpaid, yet despite all this she has a perfectly tidy and quite large apartment in whatever city this is supposed to be in.
Credits over: a Montage of Hannah making cutout cookies set to some music that sounds like music that was popular 7 years ago except that it is vaguely Christmas-y music, in that way that My Favorite Things and Baby, It’s Cold Outside are allegedly Christmassy.
credits wrap, and Hannah sighs as she does some sort of final things to the cookies that no baker in the history of time has ever done to a cut-out cookie. You know, like she’s already frosted the cookies and she just zests a banana on top of them.
Cut to: We’re at “the office.” She offers some to her co-worker, and we see that all the cookies are shaped liked dinosaurs. The Co-worker wonders aloud why they aren’t Christmas-y. She could’ve at least put Santa hats on the T-rexes. Hannah dismisses this notion, as dinosaurs predated Christmas by 65 million years. He counters with the fact that T-rexes and Sauropods lived in completely tens of millions of years apart, so chronology can’t be that important to her. Hannah replies that many paleontologists believe that while their numbers greatly declined 145 million years ago Sauropods managed to stay alive until the late cretaceous period million just like t-rex. And the Co-worker says, even if that is the case, A diplodocus like this would have died off in the Jurassic epoch and not the cretaceous. Then Hannah is all like, this is a brachiosaur not a diplodocus, you philistine, and the co-worker is like, even so, my point remains the same.
You know, romantic banter.
Hannah explains to her coworker, who is named Steven Yuen, by the way, just like the actor, that she hates Christmastime. He accuses her of being a grump, but then he compliments Hannah as her cookies are even better than her boss’s, which causes a background actor to gasp.
Anyways, Hannah is being treated like shit at work. Fake Martha Stewart is injured in a manner that is somehow pinned on Hannah. Production closes down. Also, it’s Christmastime.
Next: Hannah comes home early to squeaking noises. She finds her boyfriend, Justin, cheating on her with a blonde lady who was once on an episode of Arrow as endangered woman. Since this is a Christmas movie, these two are just making out fully clothed on the camo-cliner. Hannah is indignant and says, Hey you guys are making out on my camo-cliner. You know, cuz outrage. The boyfriend Justin offers to explain, but such offers are thoroughly rejected. Justin says that his name is on the lease so he’s not leaving the apartment. Also, it’s Christmas time.
I never trust a guy named Justin myself. I’ve met a lot of Justins, and I don’t trust any of them. Especially that Lil’ Sweet guy who wants me to drink Dr. Pepper. I can’t drink that; I’ve got diabetes!
I guess those ads are for Diet Dr. Pepper, but I’m not going to take the word of a Justin on that.
Next: Hannah goes to her friend’s Alexa’s house. Alexa is sassy and has some sort of minor disability that doesn’t keep her from also being TV-movie attractive. Let’s say she has one leg. Why not? The pair drinks wine, like a lady wine, you know Rose. Alexa complains that a robot stole her name. We don’t specify which robot, so we don’t have to pay Amazon royalties. Did I mention it’s Christmas time?
Cut to: Hannah: passed out and red-lipped from wine. A dog is licking her face and the phone is ringing. The producers at her job tell her to get there immediately, and to wear something nice. It is still Christmas time.
Hannah is worried that she is being fired, but Alexa says that they wouldn’t have asked her to dress nicely if they were going to fire her because Alexa is smart just like a robot.
Alexa order Thanksgiving for Werewolves.
Next: “Nice clothes” montage with Hannah trying on Alexa’s wardrobe. You know, pants, hats, girl stuff like that. One skirt is too tight, and Alexa explains that it is not really a two-leg skirt. One of the outfits is a Santa suit, because, as you may remember: it is Christmas time.
Next: Hannah gets to work and is told by the producers that fake Martha Stewart has a concussion and their insurance won’t allow her to use any of the equipment. Hannah is the only other person who knows what to do, and their week of live Christmas shows is their highest rated week of the year! Also, she is secretly a better baker than fake Martha Stewart.
Next: Clips of Hannah on the TV show. She does pretty well, but accidently lights celebrity cameo Chris Jericho on fire during a segment about crystalized ginger. You can really taste the difference in your ginger snaps if you used crystalized ginger versus that phoney baloney stuff. Chris Jericho has third degree burns and has to cancel his German Fozzy tour.
Next: Steven Yuen tells Hannah that he is proud of her despite her lighting celebrity cameo Chris Jericho on fire causing him to cancel his German Fozzy tour. Steven Yuen, the character and not the former star of the Walking Dead, is about to ask Hannah out when Justin shows up out of nowhere. He has flowers and wants Hannah to come home. Hannah says she’ll have to think about it. It’s still Christmastime.
Don’t trust Justins, people.
Justin Hartley from This is us? What do we really know about that guy? He’s from Knoxville, but Knoxville Illinois? What is he trying to pull?
Next: Hannah walks home in the snow. It’s snowing because it’s Christmastime. Her phone rings. It’s her dad calling to remind her that it is Christmastime. She has to come to the family party this weekend. Dad can’t wait to see Justin so they can talk about football and shirt sleeves that have buttons and other boy things. He explains that he just talked to Justin and that Justin is going to the party and bringing the Turkey. Hannah lies that they are still together and her dad reminds the audience that Hannah doesn’t like Christmas. Which is good, because I had forgotten.
Next: Hannah and Justin are arguing about their pretend relationship arrangement outside the door to her father’s house. A pull back reveals that the house is maggoty with Christmas decorations. Not the tasteful ones either, full-on inflatables, Santa wearing sunglasses driving a Cadillac style nonsense. Not tasteful like it belongs in Garfield Christmas, but just crazy like Garfield in Paradise style stuff.
We meet all of Hannah’s wacky family. Boy are they wacky. One of them yodels, another one wears a headband, and another one “accidentally” eats the family guinea pig. After various and sundry wackiness, we find out that Hannah doesn’t like Christmastime because her mom died on Christmas eve when Hannah was 18. It made Hannah hate Christmas and her dad go overboard celebrating it. Hannah drinks too much nog, gets emotional, and makes out with Justin. Then she runs away, which completely confuses Justin.
I mean, he’s named Justin; you can’t expect him to understand women.
Next: Hannah gets to work and the producers tell her that yesterday was the most popular show they’ve had since Netflix became a thing. Hannah is cautiously proud but then the producers tell her she should do a few more “clumsy” things. It makes her more likable, like Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding. Steven Yuen says that Julia Roberts is a scheming Machiavellian villain in that movie, and the producers retort that she is still more likable than whatever we named our fake Martha Stewart.
Next: Hannah is running the cooking show, with hyper confidence, refusing the producer’s urgings to be clumsy. You know, longitudinal wave feminism? So the producer, who’s like evil now, takes a few ornaments off the nearby Christmas tree, and rolls them towards Hannah, forcing her to slip on them like Kevin McCallister’s marbles. Hannah does a back flip to massive cheers from the crowd, and even catches the Christmas cookies that were thrown into the air on her slip. Boom boom boom boom boom, Tobey Maguire.
She brags to the producer about her state medal in 6th grade gymnastics, but we, as the audience, know she was using the preternatural magic of non-denominational Christmas.
Steven Yuen asks Hannah out, but afterword overhears about she made out with her Ex, and he says something passive aggressive and snotty to her. It’s kind of a dick move, but we don’t know what Steven Yuen’s been going through. And the guy is named Justin. I mean, come on.
Next: Hannah is drinking with Alexa again, who complains about not getting enough screen time. Her sassiness has become self-aware. They drink and sing songs about dying alone, which makes up most genres of Irish music. Even Riverdance, when interpreted by Morse code just translates to, “death is the only god we can all summon, even when we don’t move our arms.”
Next: Hannah and Alexa are watching Christmas romcoms on the tv and Alexa is taking notes about what she’s supposed to do next, when the buzzer rings. Steven Yuen, the character and not the former member of Second City, wants to talk. She buzzes him up, but Justin manages to sneak in too. They race up the four flights of stairs to Alexa’s apartment, and are both sweaty and disheveled when they get there.
Steven Yuen and Justin have a boyfriend duel, and they both fare better than Phillip Hamilton. It’s quiet uptown. . .
Justin tries to convince Hannah to take him back, but Alexa is facebook friends with Justin’s side piece who is still posting pictures of them together as recently as three hours ago. Hannah kicks him out and yells that she wants her Camo-cliner back. Steven Yuen thinks he’s won, but Hannah explains that they haven’t even been on A date yet, so it’s not like they are going to get married or something. Steven Yuen Charlie Browns away sadly.
Hannah yells at Alexa for being facebook friends with the side piece who was once on an episode of the CW’s Arrow. Alexa says that they went to super summer sports camp together and that is a sacred bond. You know, and she’s right.
Next: Hannah gets to work and finds that fake Martha Stewart has passed her concussion protocol. Hannah is barred from ever appearing on camera again.
Hannah is gloomy during the live show, the last episode of the Christmas special week. Until she notices that one of those slippy ornaments is still on the floor. Fake Martha Stewart is about to slip on the slippy! Hannah runs to catch the falling fake Martha Stewart, who is then so grateful that she let’s Hannah cook the final dish with her. After the show, fake Martha offers Hannah a weekly segment, and she says her catchphrase “In addition this be one great stuff.” Or however close we can get according to legal.
Then Steven Yuen asks if they can finally get that coffee. She says no. They are standing under mistletoe, and Hannah gives him a kiss that catches him off guard. She says, no, they are going to get dinner tonight. He stands dumbfounded, full of romantic feelings, full of the Christmas spirit, and super crazy horny.
Next, we see Steven Yuen and Hannah walking hand in hand in the snow carrying the doggy bags from their diner. They notice a lot of cars outside Alexa’s building. Apparently, Alexa throws a big Christmas party every year, but doesn’t tell Hannah about it because Hannah doesn’t like Christmas.
Hannah says, she’s starting to not mind Christmas at all.
Everybody makes out for some reason. I guess Alexa has a Latina girlfriend too. I dunno, I never saw her before. But it’s wall to wall sucking and fucking. Somebody yells “God Bless us, everyone,” and is subsequently pelted with red solo cups. But then they all start humming Hark the Herald Angels sing, with all the various body parts still in their mouths.
mmmmmmmmm
Also, it’s Christmastime.