The large floating head turned his attention to a creature that looked like a giant silver daddy long-legs. “All right,” said the Head, “bring in our expert in Earth culture.” The silver bug curtseyed and left the room.
A blue creature with four arms shuffled into the office moments later. “Greetings, I-“
“So, you’re our human guy? Huh?”
“Yes, sir. I’ve been studying their society for some time now. I wi-”
“I know a few things about humans, myself. Their genitals are really poorly designed,” the Head commented, proud of his insight.
“Well, uh-”
“So, what should we watch out for with first contact?” the Head asked.
“Well sir, uh, most of our information comes from signals that are about twenty years old by the time we get them, but as I understand it there are over 200 different nations and over 6000 languages spoken on Earth.”
“Uh, that’s so dumb. Why can’t they be like that volcano planet? You got Hephaestians, who all live on Hephaestia and speak Hephaestian?”
“Well, they do have volcanoes, but they also have snow and deserts, mountains, forests, metropolises-”
“C’mon, humans! Pick one!” the Head said, rolling his giant eyes.
“They also have a lot of stories about ‘aliens’ making contact with them.”
“That’s good. So, they should be ready.”
“Well, a lot of those stories have the aliens as, um, antagonists.”
“C’mon. We’re going to travel lightyears to pick a fight with these things?”
“And steal their resources, yes.”
“What do they got?”